Plenty of people hesitate to go down on a man, either because they’re insecure about their skills or they just don’t enjoy it. But many, many guys would give their non-dominant arm for a regular dose of oral — a lot of them would even choose it over intercourse. (Though, despite conventional wisdom, there are a few souls who actually hate it. Really, it’s true! They may be rarer than the white rhino, but they do exist!) Assuming you’re most likely with one of the fans in the majority, the tips below are designed to improve your skill set and your enjoyment level. Soon, you’ll like giving BJs as much as he likes receiving them! (Okay, almost as much.)
The best oral sex comes out of the blue: a blowjob that is offered up rather than requested, begged for, or traded for a favor always feels better. As a bonus, initiating will make you feel like the boss. And the more confident you feel, the more fun everyone will have. Think of making the first move as a way to gain instant points in the skill department. It sure beats trying to master impossible techniques that may result in lock jaw.
Get in the Right Headspace
You may feel vulnerable when you go down on him, but remember, when he’s in your mouth, who’s really in charge? It’s all about getting into the right headspace, because a timid blowjob isn’t a good time for anyone. And besides, the more you get into it, the faster he’ll probably climax. So learn to love his penis at least a little. Fake it at first, if you must. With any luck, you’ll eventually start to believe in your own enthusiasm. Assuming you actually enjoy sex with this person, surely there are lingering feelings of affection for the guy downstairs? Let those feelings flow!
Take Time to Prep
Think fellatio is dirty, and not in a good way? Don’t like the way he tastes? Hop in the shower together first — or stay there. (Pretty soon “Why don’t you take a shower?” will sound as sexy to him as “I want to suck your cock”.)
Wherever you end up, make sure you’re hydrated so you don’t get cotton mouth (keep a glass of water handy). And brush your teeth beforehand, too: when you’re dealing with that much of your own saliva, fresh breath makes things more pleasant for you (and potentially tingly for him!).
Finally, and most importantly, if this is a new partner with whom you are not exclusively body-fluid bonded post-STD testing, then you’ve got to use a condom and avoid any mouth-to-genital contact on exposed skin (e.g. testicles, perenium, anus), even though we might be recommend it below. Try some of the many flavored condoms available. Or use a non-lubricated one and add your own sauce, like honey or jam (just nothing oil-based, as oils can degrade latex).
For high comfort and control, have him lie back on the bed while you kneel or lie down between his legs (kneeling offers more maneuverability). If you’re feeling lazy, both lie on your sides and place a pillow under your head. If you’d like him to do some of the work, you trust him not to get carried away, and it doesn’t make you panic or gag, then he can kneel or hover over you, supporting his weight on his arms, as you lie on your back, maybe with a pillow or two under your head. You’ll get great access to his balls and bum, not to mention your own naughty bits.
Going for a worship-the-penis vibe? He can sit on a chair or stand and you can kneel on a pillow at his feet. Remember, so long as he respects you, there’s nothing demeaning about getting on your knees — and if he doesn’t respect you, then what are you doing down there in the first place? In a happy, loving relationship, kneeling for oral is just a bit of fun roleplaying. Plus, if you’re inexperienced, the naughty factor of this position may compensate for any lack of artistry.
Start off standing and move to the bed when his legs or your knees start to ache. In fact, it’s always acceptable to adjust positions to stay comfy. And if he’s been very good or he’s had a very bad day, push him against the wall the moment he walks through the door, pull down his pants and go down. A note to gentlemen: if you even think of pushing your partner’s head down as a “hint”, karma will ensure that these sorts of good deeds never ever come your way!
Charm the Snake
Assuming this isn’t a quickie in an airplane bathroom, tease him first. Before his boxers come off, run your fingers inside the waistband, run your hands up his thighs, caress under his butt cheeks. Once he’s naked, graze everywhere but his penis with your lips and fingers: thighs, bum, stomach, chest, pubic hair, balls, back of his knees, behind his ears. Or just breathe on him. And don’t forget that guys like to be complimented, too: profess your ardor for his love unit and tell him you love the way he tastes.
All this teasing says you don’t care if this takes a while, even though it’s okay to want the serious, energetic up-and-down work to last less than 7 minutes. Plus, building up tension will now will shave minutes off your up-and-down time later.
Talk to Him
If at any point you don’t know how he likes it or what to do next, just ask. As long as you’re not in the crucial homestretch and orgasm is imminent, it won’t spoil the mood. In fact, it proves you’re not on auto-pilot.
Begin Licking the Lolli
Now you can start kissing and licking his penis all over — refraining from any oral envelopment just yet. Keep your tongue flat and soft like you’re licking an ice cream cone (cliched, but useful). Or use the pointy tip of your tongue in a paisley pattern. Keep your tongue in constant motion, mixing moves. Lick all the way from the base to the head, either in one long smooth stroke, or in lots of little upwards licks.
Dry friction is the blowjob’s worst enemy, so you want to get the shaft good and wet before you start any fancy moves. If neither of you are neat freaks, feel free to slick up the balls and perineum too. Though keep in mind that wet balls get chilly fast — so warm them with your hand, the sheet, or a soft towel. And if you’re truly dirty birds, you can even spit on the general area. If you find the sloppy wet sounds off-putting, you could always put on some tunes — though chances are, he finds those sloppy wet sounds a turn-on.
Kiss, lick, suck on the balls — don’t bite. Play grownup Operation and see if you can get his shaft in without touching the sides. Finally, save the sensitive head and frenulum until last. Take just the head in your mouth and swirl your tongue around the rim, lick and press your tongue into the frenulum. Repeat as necessary until he’s raring to go.
Once he’s completely hard, you can start to get a bit fancy. There are two schools of thought here: some people say, always go down in one fell swoop to announce your presence dramatically, while others think you should tease him by going down a little bit further on each downward stroke until you make it to the bottom. We say, why choose?
Offer the Essential Up-and-Down
At its most pared down, the blowjob is just moving up and down on the shaft with your mouth, and this is where you should start (and finish). Place one or both hands at the base of his penis so your thumb and first finger form a C that holds him steady. Some people like to stretch their lips over their teeth to avoid scraping sensitive flesh at all costs, but holding this facial expression for long is quite difficult, not to mention a little funny looking. As long as you’re careful, then soft, slightly puckered lips against the shaft will be fine — in fact, ideal. Try to keep your lips in constant contact with the penis. You might find loose on the way down and slightly firmer on the way up works well.
Gradually get into a rhythm. Go slowly for now and keep the suction at a minimum, breathing through your nose if possible. Inhale at the top, exhale on your way down. The sucking action isn’t nearly as important as the steady up and down movement, especially at the beginning. And besides, too much suction makes it hard to get into a groove and keep your teeth out of the way. At some point, bring your tongue into play, stimulating the shaft and head as you bob up and down. Take the penis out every now and then to lick the top and sides.
Extend Your Mouth
Deep throating is by no means a prerequisite for an excellent blowjob. It’s a gimmick. And one that most women can’t master for purely physiological reasons: there’s that inescapable, naturally-occurring gag reflex about three inches inside your mouth — much shorter than your fella’s penis (we hope!)…so do the math. Stop dreaming the impossible sword-swallowing dream and instead work with what you’ve got.
Add one hand around the shaft as an extension of your mouth, while the other supports the base. This will increase sensation for him and give you more control over his thrusting. At first, you can delicately hold the shaft with light fingertips (the way Celine Dion might hold a microphone). Then, you can move on to a loose grip that glides up and down in sync with your oral up-and-down.
Eventually, you’ll use a firmer grip and keep your hand connected to your lips as you move up and down. On the upward stroke, you can take your mouth off the penis entirely, closing your lips as you do, followed by your hand gently squeezing his head. You can even continue the upward motion until your closed fist is just resting against the very tip, but don’t lose contact completely or linger there: initiate the downward motion — hand then mouth — immediately.
You can even get your other stabilizing hand in on the motion, creating one, seemingly never-ending orifice. And if he’s the kind of guy who enjoys deep throating because of the sensation of his penis hitting a dead end, then try making him hit the roof of your mouth or the inside of your cheek instead while using this grip.
Add More Handwork
When you have a free hand or hands (usually during the earlier stages of a blowjob or once you’ve mastered the above mouth extension with just one hand), let your fingers wander to his thighs, balls, bum, nipples. Use your hand(s) in a sweeping motion across his abdomen toward his penis, as if you’re drawing in all bodily energy to the center of his universe. Give him your fingers to suck on. Switch to a full-on handjob to give your jaw a break. Rub or press firmly on his perineum with a fingertip or two, a knuckle, or a thumb.
Circle the surface of his anus with a well-lubed finger, and if he’s amenable, slip it inside for stimulation at both ends of his shaft (i.e internally with your finger at one far end and externally with your mouth at the other). Stating the obvious: Do not give him your fingers to suck on after this move.
Dealing with Foreskin
If he’s uncircumcised, you can put your mouth on his foreskin and move it up and down — though once you get into the swing of things, you’ll want to pull it back to expose the sensitive head. Once he’s really hard, it should just stay out of the way on its own.
Master Trickier Techniques
The key to an excellent blowjob is variation. You don’t want him to be able to predict exactly what you’re going to do next, except, of course, when he’s “coming to a head” (see below). So mix things up with any of the following:
• As you reach the head during the basic up-and-down with one hand, remove your mouth, glide your palm over the head, twist it like you’re screwing and unscrewing a lid (but oh-so gently!), then glide it back down the shaft, followed by your mouth.
• Never stop moving your tongue. Run it up and down along the raphe (the ridge running along the underside of the shaft ). With the head in your mouth, take the underside of your tongue back and forth across the frenulum. While you’re going up and down, trace your tongue around the head on each upstroke. Or take a break from the up-down and concentrate on just the head with little flicks of your tongue or concentrated sucking.
• Try getting tactile with your teeth. No, seriously: some guys actually like a hint of tooth as you go up and down the shaft. Go very slow and be prepared to back off if he hates it. If he loves it, try delicate nibbling, too: underside of the shaft, the foreskin, the head, inner thigh, scrotum (not the actual balls).
Kink Up While You Go Down on Him
Nothing wrong with employing tried and tested porno techniques when you go down on him, especially if your partner is a porn enthusiast. Hump his leg while you’re down there — not only to prove this turns you on, but also to give yourself a little more physical satisfaction. Rub or smack his penis against your cheek or breasts. If you can bring yourself to moan or just say “mmm” while you’re down there, he’ll feel special and he’ll enjoy the vibrations (hey, it’s better than humming).
Remember, anything that can be licked can be sucked, too: perineum, just the head, balls (one at a time or two if you’re feeling heroic). And don’t forget eye contact: the occasional dirty look reminds him you’re there for him, you’re not just getting on with a job. You could even tell him you want him to watch you.
No need to go it alone: edible lube (plain or flavored) can help keep things wet and even tasty if you run out of spit. Or DIY food-lube on him is fine, too: whipped cream, heavy cream, olive oil, your favorite liqueur… Just be sure he pees afterward to flush out his urethra, and showers before intercourse or anal sex, because such leftovers can lead to infection. Sucking on mints or sipping hot tea or ice water are tricks that’ll work on him, too.
And if he’s a fan of backdoor play (you’d be surprised what a little Pavlovian conditioning can accomplish during a blowjob), then try a small butt plug or anal beads instead of your finger.
Finally, he might like a vibrating ring or a mini vibe held against his balls or shaft as you go down on him, or one of those novelty oral vibes you hold in your mouth — then again, this may just annoy him or rattle your teeth.
Coming to a Head
He’ll almost definitely want more speed as he nears the finish line. And he’ll probably enjoy or even need a bit more suction and a firmer hand grip, too — though again, you’ll have to ask (unless you’re the penis whisperer). Definitely don’t slow down or suddenly change anything at this point, unless you want to tease him and drag things out. If you’ve both got the time and the stamina, this may only increase the intensity of his eventual orgasm; but you may also risk losing his orgasm for good, due to frustration and rawness.
Don’t worry about what you look or sound like as you go harder and faster. He’ll probably be too busy making his own funny noises to notice (it’s safe to say he’s in a pretty self-focused place right now).
The Happy Ending
Sometimes a blowjob is just a prelude to penile penetration — especially if you’re still learning his likes and dislikes. But if you decide to make this the main (or at least final) course, you’ll need to decide between swallowing, spitting, or handworking. Each has its pros and cons:
If you’re forgoing the condom, then swallowing is neat, tidy, very intimate, and very dirty, but many women find ejaculate tastes worse than castor oil and is just as hard to get down. Spitting allows you to complete the BJ without interrupting the all-important, orgasm-inducing sensation and without having to force ejaculate past your gag reflex, but you end up holding it in your mouth three times longer and guys may feel rejected by your spit-take. Switching to manual sex right at the end allows both parties to enjoy the visual without any aftertaste, but the dramatic change in physical sensation may be jarring, disappointing, or even orgasm-defeating to him (though if you’re already using your hands like you should, the climactic finale should be in your grasp, literally).
As with dildo selection, the one with the receptive orifice has final say: how you end things is entirely up to you, as long as you keep applying sensation all the way through his orgasm and then stop as soon as he does. And as long as you do it all with love (or at least respectful lust).
Some of this text has been adapted from “Sex: How to Do Everything.”
Photos via Pixabay.