As a woman, orgasming can be hard. It’s a bummer. Finding your orgasm can feel as impossible as finding a unicorn in the forest. Even if your partner is the world’s most attentive lover who understands clitoral stimulation perfectly, you might have trouble getting to the big O. Thankfully, like anything difficult in life in 2017, there are ways you can learn how to come easier.
Women’s sex organs are more complex than men’s. Unless you are a very lucky lady, you probably go into sex with your partner knowing that you aren’t guaranteed that sweet moment of release. It can be frustrating, but when you do reach that sweet spot, it can actually be more epic than a man’s ordinary climax.
The good news is that there are concrete steps that you can take to get there. Elite Daily spoke to clinical sexologist and author of Orgasmic Yoga Dr. Martha Lee about four things you can do to make orgasming easier.
1. Get Psyched About Sex
Treat sex like you would treat a presentation at work or a long distance run. I know, so unsexy, but bear with me: You need get into the right headspace in order to commit to doing the deed. If you’re dreading the act or treating sex like a chore, you’re setting yourself up for failure on a subconscious level.
“Develop a positive mindset towards sex,” says Dr. Lee. “Banish thoughts or attitudes that inhibit orgasm such as, ‘I am taking too long,’ ‘He’s tired,’ or ‘I should be pleasing him.’”
Instead, force yourself to think happy thoughts. Tell yourself you will orgasm, and that even if you don’t, you’ll have some fun. Dr. Lee stresses the important of eliminating judgment and focusing on playing. She says you should “anticipate hotness” and remind yourself that you’re a sexy being that your partner is pumped to be having sex with.
2. Feel The Vibes
The hottest tip of them all? Add vibration to your sex routine.
This is a game changer. Many women need some form of clitoral stimulation in order to climax, and vibrators are usually more reliable than a man’s fingers (especially when he’s in the throes of things). If you’re feeling shy about using sex toys, remind yourself that you deserve to come as much as your partner does.
“Know that you are important and deserve pleasure,” says Dr. Lee. “Take responsibility for your sexuality.”
Even the simple act of investing in something sexy for yourself is a great way to start turning up the heat in your sex life. Dr. Lee recommends that you start with a small vibrator and test it out on and around your clitoris during sex. Your partner will find it super hot, and it’s a fun, intimate adventure for you both to go on together. You don’t even need to use it the whole time you’re having sex. You can keep it on the bedside table and grab it when the time is right.
Handing a vibrator to your partner is a very hot move. Go for it.
3. Mutual Masturbation
Once you introduce a vibrator into the bedroom, you can take things to the next level by masturbating… together.
“Masturbate together by watching each other fondle your genitals from a slight distance,” explains Dr. Lee. “It is a unique, intense, and arousing experience.”
I know, it sounds scary. Dr. Lee says that a lover’s presence during masturbation allows for a new level of stimulation while still allowing both partners to explore their own bodies at their own pace. This is a great way to quite literally show your partner what works for your body. Then, your partner can touch you in the right places when you are getting down together.
4. Kegels And Clenching
If you are looking for a more tangible, easy to implement hack, this is for you. Doing your kegels during sex can actually be a great way to bring yourself to climax, and they’ll also feel good for your partner.
Not sure how to kegel? It’s easier than you think. “Clenching your buttocks and upper thigh muscles will increase blood flow to your pelvic area,” says Dr. Lee. “[This] leads to greater vaginal lubrication and clitoral engorgement making it more likely for you to attain orgasm.”
This is something you can do without consulting your partner first, and is far less nerve-wracking than touching yourself in front of your boo.
Orgasms are complicated, and they are also very personal. Try one of Dr. Lee’s tips out and see how it works for you. Maybe do some sex-positive affirmations before your next romp in the sheets, or dive in and invest in that vibrator. Even the simple act of trying new things can be a turn on.
Now go forth and get down with these hacks.
Subscribe to Elite Daily’s official newsletter, The Edge, for more stories you don’t want to miss.