This week, the Men’s Health’s newsletter reached an epic low in shameless click baiting with their lead article “16 New Ways to Touch Her Vagina.” We tried to imagine how new these moves could possibly be, since Men’s Health sends this kind of email out three to four times a week! Here are the fruits of our creative labors, without even having read the original article. Even though we only came up with 11 instead of 16, we think we nailed it:
- Sound the alarm! Take an air horn, hold it about two to three inches from her vulva, and then blow it! The subtle vibrations will give her a new, unexpected sensation. If nothing else, the discombobulating shock of the ear-piercing noise may put her in the mood to have other things pierced as well, if you know what we mean.
- Be a love baker. Think of her vulva as a soft mound of warm doughy dough. And you’re the baker: roll it, and pat it, and mark it with a B (or whatever your initial is). Let her feel how strong and capable your hands are. As you kneed her challah loaf, you’ll feel her need for you grow, and soon she’ll be craving a bite of your baguette.
- The Hot Mic. We’ve all heard of humming a ditty during oral sex, but why not part the labia and just belt out a tune? Bohemian Rhapsody works well here.
- Use the element of surprise to your advantage. When she’s sleeping or reading with headphones on, dress your penis up in a Scream mask or a cobra head or whatever her greatest fear is, then sneak up on her vagina, whip out your disguised junk, and yell “Roar!” She’ll be so relieved it’s just your harmless penis, her vagina will want to have sex with it right then and there.
- Play annoying little brother. Remember when you were a kid, how your sibling would flick your earlobe over and over while you were trying to play on your Playstation? Do the same thing to her, except instead of her ear, flick her mons pubis. The unexpected repetitive sensation will build up erotic tension in her downtown area. Either that, or she’ll probably have sex with you just to get you to cut it out.
- Touch her with a ten foot pole. Literally! Show her you find her so desirable, you’ll to touch her with anything: your hands, your mouth, even a ten foot pole! WARNING: this is for external use only. You may find padding her end of the stick with a hand towel helpful, since wielding a ten foot pole delicately is harder than it looks.
- Tickle her with your toes. Fingers and tongues are overrated. The newest trend in vagina-touching involves your tootsies! She won’t be able to resist those cute little nubbins of yours trying — and failing — to dexterously deliver desire to her downtown. Don’t forget to play “This Little Piggy” on her clitoris. And remember, toes will make any penis seem huge by comparison!
- Reiki her world. Take a tip from the ancient Japanese art of hands-off healing to get her off. Massage the energy field around her vagina by placing both of your palms over, but not directly on, her genital area. Think pulsating, sexy thoughts. Within seconds she’s guaranteed to have the most explosive orgasm of her life!
- Baby, it’s cold outside. Different textures can provide different sensations.So don a pair of gloves the next time you want to go diddling: leather driving gloves, fuzzy winter mittens, latex gloves, gardening gloves, even the sequined number from the zombie Michael Jackson costume you wore to that bad taste party. Keep your socks (or rain boots, or galoshes…) on to complete the look.
- The Gameboy : There’s a famous “secret” cheat code to get unlimited lives on Nintendo: up, up, down, down, left, right, B, A, START. What the gamers didn’t tell you is that there’s a similar secret “unlock” code to unlock unlimited orgasms. That’s all we’re saying.
- Play puppet master. Have her tie a necktie around your wrists (one around each). Make sure she ties them very tightly, so as to cut off circulation completely. Then, once your hands have gone numb, have her pull the tie ends up and down so your limp hands touch her in a way she finds pleasing. Call it marionette masturbation! Possible risks to you include wrist bruising, nerve damage, and amputation. But it’ll be so worth it!